Guest Post: Interview with my Husband, Kirk
1. After going through the challenges in 2017-2021, how has our relationship changed?
I think we were both surprised by some of our actions and reactions, in a good way, and it brought more depth to our relationship. It was a lot of real-life stuff that interrupted the normal routine, so it was like going through an intensive, graduate-level course in our relationship. At the same time, we both found new passions at the end of that period. For Mindy it was participation in ALS research and activism, and for me it was buying property in the mountains and building the little cabin that I've always wanted. Ironically, these two things have resulted in us spending less time together, but not too much less, and I think we both feel very fulfilled.
2. When faced with adversity, how do we, as a couple, deal with it?
I think that I either brush things off or go straight to anger, whereas Mindy tends to imagine the worst and has to be talked down. Somehow, these things tend to neutralize each other, and we usually find a rational path together. I think if left to our own devices, we would not do as good of a job. It's almost straight out of a movie. If we crash landed on an island, we would figure out how to survive so much faster together than just one of us would. I would probably kill myself by accident trying to do something unnecessarily dangerous, and Mindy would probably fail to harvest enough food because she’s busy thinking about starving. Maybe we should write that script?
3. How did we meet?
We met in Los Angeles in 1999, after having nearly met in Denver many times over in the years prior. We were both film lovers and former film students, and we moved to LA that summer, separately, to make our film dreams come true. By sheer coincidence or by universal design, only then did we meet, when we were both ready for a new relationship and the adult part of our lives.
4. How do you care for me?
I would say that I instinctively serve the role of worker bee, and I know that from my cooking to my gardening to my housekeeping I'm partly trying to create peace and comfort. It's weird, but I think I care for you with space as much as with attention. When you need me, I'm there, but usually you don't need me and you're just really busy, so I tend to grab the low hanging fruit in order to make everything run more smoothly. Of course, I am also here for you when the shit hits the fan, in every way that you need me to be, and I think that we both get a lot of comfort from knowing the other one has our back.
5. How has your general outlook changed since the tough days in 2018?
2018, in particular my illness and treatment, left me with some interesting long-term side effects. On one hand, I have accepted that I will be eternally terrified about becoming sick again, and every time I have unusual pains I tend to panic. At the same time, it left me much more comfortable with my mortality, and I feel not just OK with the fact that it will all be over someday, but I feel I'm actually playing a role now in preparing myself for that. It's a hell of a way to become more present and mindful – I would vastly prefer meditation – but I'll take it. I think I have also become less patient with other people's bullshit, and bullshit in general, so I find myself both less tolerant and more engaged. Life is too short for bullshit.
6. What is your favorite part of our relationship?
I think my favorite part of our relationship is that we are perfectly comfortable spending time apart, but then we can spend every minute together for two weeks on a trip and love every minute of it. We are the opposite of codependent, yet completely compatible. It also helps that we love some of the best things in life the same way, whether it is food or travel or movies or music. We enjoy very different activities and lead different work lives, but when it comes time to take a vacation or sit down for dinner or a movie, it's great to know that we are on the same page.
7. Any big plans in the future for you? For the family? For you and me?
I hope to semi-retire in my late 50s and do something that does not involve sitting behind a computer screen, which I feel is bad for my health. I want to spend more time outdoors, in nature, moving my body. I think for the family, the only big plan is watching the boys become men and seeing if they find romantic relationships that stick. Grandchildren would be the biggest plan of all, but I'm not planning for that, just happily imagining the possibility. For the two of us, I would say the big plan is summarized by a picture of us, elderly but healthy, sitting on a porch somewhere looking over something beautiful and eating something yummy, content that we've lived as long as we have given the cards we were dealt, and optimistic about our kids’ future. If we can get there, that would be the ultimate prize.